Tartine: Ready To Ship, Allegedly (And Other Thoughts I Probably Shouldn’t Share)

The “Ready to Ship” Thing—Is It Ever That Simple?

I’m just going to say it: whenever a website says something is “ready to ship,” my brain immediately starts running in circles. Like, is it actually sitting in a California warehouse? Or am I about to get hit with three weeks of “processing” and some vague shipping updates from somewhere I can’t pronounce? Tartine—the J-cup TPE sex doll, you know, the one that pops up if you search for absolute sex dolls or whatever—claims she’s ready. Supposedly. They even say she’ll arrive in 3-7 business days after your order is placed. That’s weirdly specific.

But then there’s this little footnote about processing times and international shipping and...wait, didn’t they just promise fast delivery? Maybe I’m missing something. Or maybe I’m not.

Details Galore (For People Who Actually Care About Numbers)

Tartine comes exactly as pictured. No surprises there, unless you count the built-in vagina option (which seems like it should be standard at this point?) and gel breasts and standing feet—all included. There’s no room for customizations if you go this route; what you see is what you get. Some people probably love that—no decisions, no emails back-and-forth asking about nipple color or whatever.

Let me just rattle off her stats because apparently that matters:

• Height: 5 feet 4 inches (164 cm)
• Weight: 77 lbs (33 kg)
• Bust: 38 inches
• Waist: 20 inches
• Hips: 36 inches

She’s got an athletic vibe—big ass too, if we’re being honest—and all three holes are...well, deep enough for most people? Vagina and anus both go 6.7 inches deep; mouth is a bit less at 5.1 inches. Not sure who measures these things but someone out there probably appreciates the precision.

“Discreet Packaging”—Sure

I’ve ordered stranger things online than a sex doll (don’t ask), so discreet packaging isn’t new territory for me. The box apparently arrives plain and unlabeled—which sounds fine until your neighbor catches the UPS guy struggling with a suspiciously heavy package shaped like a person-sized rectangle.

Still, better than having ABSOLUTE SEX DOLLS plastered across the side in neon letters. Small victories.

Customization FOMO

There’s always this tiny voice saying maybe I should wait for the customized version—you know, pick every detail down to eyelash curl or toenail polish or something equally obsessive-compulsive—but honestly? The idea of waiting another few weeks makes my attention span shrivel up like an old raisin.

If you’re patient (or picky), they do have that click-here-for-custom-options thing buried on the page somewhere. But then it’s not really “ready to ship,” is it?

Steel Skeletons & Movable Joints Are Apparently A Big Deal

This part surprised me more than anything else—the steel skeleton inside means she actually holds poses pretty well. Moveable joints sound cool until you realize how stiff some dolls can be right out of the box; Tartine supposedly avoids that problem but...who knows until she shows up at your door?

I remember thinking once—after seeing some review photos—that these athletic dolls look almost intimidating standing up on their own two feet thanks to those reinforced feet thingies.

Tangent Time (Sorry)

Random thought popped into my head while reading through all these specs: does anyone else feel slightly odd measuring hole depth with such accuracy? Like…are we just pretending everyone has calipers sitting around? Anyway—I guess it matters if you’ve been burned by misleading product descriptions before.

If You Want It Fast…

That’s basically the pitch here: want Tartine exactly as shown in those glossy pictures? She’ll show up way sooner than anything custom-made overseas—at least according to their promises about California warehouse stock and speedy shipping windows.

Just don’t expect any hand-holding during checkout or extra options besides what you see already listed out above.

Maybe that’s good enough for most people chasing after absolute sex dolls without wanting to wait months on end—or maybe not; depends how much patience you have left after scrolling through endless listings online looking for something that doesn’t scream ‘generic’.

Anyway…if speed matters more than micro-managing details, Tartine might be worth clicking on before your brain talks itself into another week-long research spiral. Or not—I mean who am I kidding, half of us will still overthink everything anyway.

That’s kind of where my energy runs out tonight—maybe tomorrow I’ll care more about customization menus or delivery timelines…but right now? Meh