Keitaro: Horny Cook Sex Doll — The “Absolute” Experience Nobody Warned Me About

A Tall Order (Literally)

You know that moment when you’re scrolling through absolute sex dolls, half-distracted, and then—bam—you see something like “Horny Cook”? Yeah. I remember thinking, is this a joke? But no, Keitaro is real. 5 feet 5 inches tall (165 cm), which is… honestly taller than some of my exes. Not that it matters. Or maybe it does? Anyway, she’s got this whole thicc brunette thing going on, big boobs—F cup if you’re the type who tracks cup sizes like baseball stats—and legs for days. Long legs. There’s a weird satisfaction in just seeing her stand there (well, propped up), looking way more put-together than me at 2am.

Numbers Don’t Lie—But They Do Get Weird

Let me just rattle these off because apparently people care:

• Height: 165 cm (I already said that)
• Weight: 80 lbs (36 kg). Honestly heavier than you’d think when you try to move her around your apartment without your neighbors noticing.
• Bust: 33 inches
• Underbust: 24.5 inches
• Waist: 21.3 inches
• Hips: 36.8 inches
• Shoe size? Women’s 4.5–5

There’s a part of me that wants to ask who actually checks shoe size on a sex doll but hey—feet people exist.

Oh yeah—and hole depth. That phrase alone makes me want to look away from my own screen but here we are:

• Vagina: 6.7 inches deep
• Anus: 6.3 inches

If you’re into numbers or… measurements or whatever.

The Silicone Situation

Silicone sex dolls aren’t new territory for anyone who’s been down this particular internet rabbit hole before, but there’s something about Keitaro that feels extra uncanny in person—not quite human but not cartoonish either. Soft skin with an odd coldness at first touch; warms up after a while though, which is almost creepier somehow.

Steel skeleton inside means those joints move in ways I can only describe as both impressive and faintly unsettling—like posing an action figure except now the action figure has breasts and an ass that probably deserves its own zip code.

Shipping Is Both Discreet and Suspiciously Slow

Here’s where things get interesting—or tedious depending how much patience you have left after reading product specs for hours on end:

They promise free international shipping (which sounds better than it feels when you realize there’s a catch). Processing takes two to three weeks plus another week for actual shipping so… basically don’t order if you need instant gratification.

The box is plain and unlabeled though—I’ll give them credit for sparing me from any awkward conversations with nosy neighbors or delivery guys who already look at me funny.

Unexpected Tangents Involving Kitchen Utensils

Maybe this is where I should admit I never figured out why she’s called “Horny Cook.” There are no spatulas included; no chef hat; nothing even remotely food-related unless you count her being made of silicone—which technically could be used for baking molds but let’s not go there.

I guess the fantasy angle is supposed to be cute or quirky or whatever passes for personality in the world of absolute sex dolls—but mostly it just made me laugh every time I walked past her in my kitchen late at night (yes, she ended up there once by accident).

Some Stuff Nobody Mentions Until It Happens To You

There was one afternoon when I tried moving her solo from bedroom floor to closet shelf—don’t ask why—and nearly pulled something important in my back because eighty pounds of dead weight moves differently than eighty pounds of groceries or laundry baskets or anything else normal humans carry around their apartments.

Also, cleaning isn’t as chill as they make it sound online—it takes longer than expected and leaves your bathroom looking like a scene from Breaking Bad if you’re not careful with the soap suds situation.

Why Bother?

Honestly? Sometimes curiosity wins out over common sense and next thing you know there’s a life-sized silicone woman sitting in your living room wearing nothing but yesterday's hoodie because clothes shopping for dolls is its own bizarre universe.

Do I regret it? Eh—not really sure yet.

Anyway—I still haven’t found out what she's supposed to cook.